Sharing the Season – the child-focused approach to Christmas

The festive season is meant to be a magical time for all, especially children, with parents doing all they can behind the scenes to ensure their child(ren) truly experience all the festive season has to offer – with everyone wanting to be on Father Christmas’ Good List!

This can lead to separated parents facing additional pressures; from conflicting plans to mismatched expectations about presents, bedtimes and travel plans. 

Early planning, clear communication and a child welfare-focused approach (the court’s guiding principle) can ensure that neither parent is left out in the cold or finds themselves on the Naughty List.

Naughty: Deviating from the plan/arrangements

Departing from a parenting plan or a Child Arrangements Order without agreement by, for example, extending time, swapping days at the last minute, or withholding contact, creates uncertainty for children and friction between parents. Christmas can be an emotional time of year, particularly for separated families, and sudden unagreed changes to the plan will often make matters worse.

Where a Child Arrangements Order is in place, unilateral changes to contact are likely to result in a breach of a court order, the consequences for which can be very serious. For example, a parent found to have been repeatedly breached a Child Arrangements Order may be ordered to carry out unpaid work, or in cases where there is already a penal notice, committal to prison. 

Nice: Make a list – check it twice

To avoid unnecessary animosity and instability for children and parents alike, the agreed arrangements for the children should expressly cover the festive period. Parents may find it helpful to ensure that the arrangements include the details of when the children will be with each parent on the following dates: the last day of school, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day, New Year or other relevant religious holidays. It may also assist for parents to clarify with each other and to confirm to the children, in advance, who will attend which school events. Positive and clear communication about plans will benefit everyone.

For the big day itself, consider whether the day itself could be divided, alternated on a yearly basis or, if the parents remain on very good terms, whether Christmas can be spent altogether.

Naughty: Playing “present politics”

Parents who surprise children with big-ticket presents (phones, pets, games consoles etc) without the other parent’s input can undermine trust, create unrealistic expectations and lead to accusations of “buying off the children”.

Conflicting rules about device usage can cause conflict at handovers and in the co-parenting dynamic. Important decisions, such as the introduction of a child’s first phone, should, where possible, be made jointly.

Nice: Be present, not political.

Parents may find it helpful to share wish lists and budgets in advance to avoid duplication or disparity when buying presents. 

Agree basic rules for screen-time, parental controls, and online safety before gifting devices.

Naughty: Last-minute snow chasing

Sudden plans to take a child out of the jurisdiction, changing flight dates without agreement, or refusing to provide itinerary details invites conflict and, where orders are in place, can result in these being breached. 

Domestic travel can also cause issues where it infringes on the children’s time with the other parent or makes agreed handovers impossible.

Where both parents have parental responsibility and there are no court orders in place, neither can take the child out of the jurisdiction of England and Wales on holiday without the express content and written permission of the other (or any other individual with parental responsibility for the children).

Parents with a Child Arrangements Order in place which states that a child is to live with them and spend time with the other parent (often known as a “lives with order”) can take the child out of the jurisdiction of England and Wales for up to 28 days without the other parent’s consent. However, such travel should not interfere with existing contact arrangements and the time the child(ren) are to spend with the other parent.

Nice: Give the gift of detail

Before travelling, ensure the other parent has been provided with travel times and routes, accommodation details, emergency contacts and passport and insurance details if relevant. It is important that all travel complies with agreed specified holiday contact arrangements and that buffer time is built in to account for weather or transport disruption. 

Parents who cannot agree holiday arrangements may need to seek the court’s assistance in determining the issue.

The best present of all

For separated parents, communicating openly, starting discussions early, and prioritising the needs of the child(ren) can help everyone have an enjoyable festive season. Where agreement proves elusive, parents may want to explore mediation or seek legal advice well in advance of Christmas.