To Trick or to Treat? - the not-so-spooky guide to navigating Halloween as co-parents
For children, Halloween is a time of costumes, sweets, and spooky fun with friends, ushering in the start of the festive period. For co-parents, however, the holiday period can sometimes be a scary time of uncertainty and may bring underlying tensions to the surface when differing parenting values come into conflict.
Parents who have parental responsibility for a child essentially share this and have equal rights and responsibilities in respect of making decisions for their child(ren). The position with co-parents can inevitably be more complex, and one co-parent may ultimately find themselves in a position where they are ‘tricked’ (for example, where the other parent is trying to impose a unilateral decision in respect of the child(ren)), rather than ‘treating’ them with the respect they are entitled to as a parent.
Trick: Ignoring or changing the parenting plan or breaching an order
One common trick in co-parenting conflicts is where one parent ignores the existing plan, causing confusion and conflict, for example, by keeping the child for an extended period during Halloween without prior agreement.
Treat: Incorporate Halloween into Parenting Plans
Ensure all holiday plans are well-documented within a written plan. While informal agreements can work, a well-drafted parenting plan provides clarity and serves as a reference point should misunderstandings arise.
Consider adding Halloween into your existing plan if it isn’t already. A well-drafted parenting plan will detail the specific arrangements for the holiday, such as which parent is responsible for which activity, and will specify whether the parents will alternate hosting Halloween each year or whether the day is to be shared to ensure equal time with both parents.
Whilst effective child-focused communication can alleviate conflict, a dispute may still occur throughout the duration of a co-parenting relationship and a well-drafted plan will include sufficient provision for how disputes are to be resolved, such as through mediation or consultation with a family lawyer.
The best parenting plan is one which continues to evolve and adapt to shape the needs and wants of a child as they grow older. The agreement for Halloween one year may not be appropriate a year later, and so it is important to keep plans updated. Amending a parenting plan typically requires mutual consent from both parents and, in some cases, legal approval from the court.
Trick: Trick-or-treating without supervision?
It can be a source of contention when one parent decides to allow the child to go trick-or-treating without parental supervision. One parent might feel that the child is old enough to go out unsupervised, whilst the other might have concerns as to the child’s safety.
Treat: From Costumes to Compromise
The ‘treat’ here is to find a compromise that addresses both parents’ concerns and focuses on the best wishes of the child. Co-parents should try to work together to agree, well in advance, on appropriate safety measures, such as setting a curfew, providing a mobile phone or whether one parent might accompany the child while maintaining a respectful distance to allow independence.
Trick: Disagreements over medical decisions
The autumn season (where Halloween falls) brings with it the additional decision of whether to agree to the annual flu vaccination for children (these are generally offered at schools). Parents may have different views on whether a child should receive the vaccination. This can cause a conflict if a decision is made unilaterally.
Treat: Discuss the decision together and consider whether to make a court application if an agreement cannot be reached
Decisions about a child’s medical treatment should not be made unilaterally. Whilst non-court dispute resolution methods should be considered first (for example, mediation), given the importance of medical decisions (and sometimes urgency), if an agreement cannot be reached, one parent may need to make an application to the court for a specific issue order under Section 8 of the Children Act 1989 (to apply for an order for permission of the court for the child to be vaccinated), or for a prohibited steps order (to apply for an order preventing a child being vaccinated).
Trick: Unilateral decision-making around school holidays
Conflict can occur when one co-parent makes unilateral decisions over Halloween or indeed half term (where it falls this year) without consulting the other. This might include taking a child out of school early (or missing term time), disregarding the other parent’s wishes by letting the child stay up late, or letting them eat too many sweets before bed. Such decisions can lead to significant tension in the co-parenting relationship and may potentially cause distress for the child.
Treat: Effective child-focused communication
The treat to counter this trick is to prioritise open and child-focused communication, early planning, and flexibility. Discussions between co-parents need not be the scariest part of Halloween and co-parents should strive to set aside personal differences and work collaboratively to focus on the priority for Halloween – creating fun and lasting memories for a child who feels supported and loved by both parents.
Given the importance of decisions concerning children, the moral of this tale is that early communication, clear planning, and openness as parents can lead to a very Happy Halloween rather than being on the receiving end of any frights when it comes to arrangements for the children.
